My Welcome?!

Stories What I Wrote

I wrote some stories.
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A former drug-sniffing dog once sat upon a mound of corpulent crawlers. His teeth were as big as marshmallow feces and his laser contact lens squinted against the brush of the hot sun.
"Hello!" he cried desolately as the woods rang with sorrow.
Echoing the consonants of her childhood she sang a joyous song to the heavens and beyond.
Slippery little daisies skipped along the plain, all the while gently but firmly shooing little g-nats off their bodily areas.
Turquoise goats in turtlenecks polished their monocles and uttered "I say" as they lowered their eyes contemptuously.
"I'll have the leaves!" he declared while pointing his finger definitively up.
Raisin Buns for All was their mantra as they chanted and nodded for dear life.
Spreading his wings the cauliflower muffin soon escaped into a popcorn-land of mysterious opportunities.
It was, in effect, stunning.
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A woven mat of God-knows-what blocked his way to that distant glowing green.
"Avast-ye, spy-rakers!" escaped from the damp and gnarled maw of the captain whose ship, The Pink Elephant, was said to dance upon the waves like so many dancing elf-shoes.
Penelope Pie sang a song of defeat as she twirled her hair into shapes beyond human consciousness.
His eyes melted in pleasure when first he beheld the sensuous scene.
He studied physics beyond the mortal realm and knew that when he could comprehend her miraculous hair-shapes then she would be his.
Sputtering all the while his faithful sidekick spouted challenge after challenge but could not convince the student that there is no such color as neon brown.
"Eat your pickles, mongrel!" cried the desperately unhinged physicist. "My labcoat can save only one of our immortal souls."
That thought carried him out the window, never to return.
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Sparkling jewel-like leaves studded the filament of purest silver jutting out from within. Goldenrod spikes climbed atop the oft-misunderstood lemon yellow javelins.
"If you only knew what I am capable of," she stated calmly while pondering the acceptability of combining the words 'rock' and 'soccer'.
Berries of all types climbed the cliffs, panting but determined, and poured toward their destination as milk pours to cheerios. Filling every crevice of their cheerio-like environment the gathered orbs of berry crowed into the banana sky.
"Leap onto your scab-ship and away from my extrapolations!" he yelled for the thousandth time. But she, as usual, refused to understand his pleas.
Her magenta confirmation slip flapped for a moment at her pocket's edge before leaping decisively into the evening wind. Grabbing for it could not stop its glorious flight of freedom and she wept as she realized how soon her doom would come.
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When I lept into the lilac-tinted era of mismanaged necks, I decided to create a mandate on the wanton use of different dress lengths. It was a topic dear to my heart and excellently well-thought-out. For example if a passing someone-or-other were to allow for two dress lengths in the same garment.
"Is he single?!?" she squawked at a volume loud enough to disturb others. "I've been into beards lately, except on that dude-guy who is advanced in years."
"What ho lassie" the mustachioed source of her derision suddenly snorted. "I've just caught you a rabbit. Doesn't that count for something?"
"Pink and blue rain couldn't save you now," she muttered, calling forth an image of a loud obnoxious boy almost falling but not quite. Soon enough, the sewage treatment plant was disguised as a children's playground and the purple-threaded fate of humanity descended upon the scene.

Edith Zimmerman

I just found a link today to a column on The Awl called 'Letters to the Editors of Women's Magazines'. The hilarious Edith Zimmerman posts actual letters and then some of her own versions. They are so funny I literally smashed my head into my keyboard. Then I read her blog and some of her many very short stories and continued to crack the eff up. Not to mention this amazing article for the Huffington Post, 'How to Make Your Husband a Nice Dinner'.
On her blog she also recommends Tom Oatmeal, who's pretty freakin funny as well.
Read it!

Standing Cat!

Now here is a wonderful example of the right choice of music making all the difference in an otherwise somewhat lackluster video. The original just has the standard retarded rustling noises in the background but this version is absolute edge-of-your-seat amazing.
Found on the "answer to my dreams" website Kitteh Roulette.

Best Picture

A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever -- powered by Cracked.com

Die Antwoord

Greetings from Riga!
Check this ish out.

DIE ANTWOORD crew is:
Zef rap-rave master NINJA
Fre$h, futuristik rich bitch, YO-LANDI VI$$ER
And beat monster, DJ HI-TEK
DIE ANTWOORD represents the sounds of the Zuid Afrikaanse streets. Their fierce, hi-energy sound is inspired by Cape Town's fast and furious mini-bus taxi's you can hear coming from blocks away with an evil
DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!

Check out their website for more, including "20 fun facts" and a hilarious slideshow as the background.
Ninja has a tattoo on his neck that says "pretty wise," one on his chest that says "how can an angel break my heart," and one on his side that says "A woman is more dangerous than a loaded pistol." And then there's Richie Rich on his pec. Oh, and Caspar with a huge boner on his shoulder. Wow.
Check out this video and the extreme close-up shot of Ninja hip thrusting in Pink Floyd boxers. Genius.

What does "Die Antwoord" mean?
The answer.
Answer to what?
Whatever man. Fuck.

Too hot to handle, too cold to hold
Betta not fuck with my Gameboy or I'll
BOOST
YOU

Beard Waivers

Apparently at BYU (Brigham Young University in Utah) you have to get a "beard waiver" to grow a beard.
Um. Hilarious?
Is it because they don't want students and faculty competing with founder Brigham Young's crazy-ass beard?

Pop Song Word Clouds

Using Wordle, the geniuses over at Flavorwire created word clouds for iTunes' 12 top-selling songs of all time. They write: "If you’ve ever bemoaned the state of modern commercial music, the inanity of looking at these consolidated lyrics will do nothing to ease your pain. But it is kind of funny." Haha, I agree.
Can you guess which songs these word clouds belong to?



See them all here.

Anna is Being Stalked

Having just come home from a particularly unpleasant encounter with a man who I occasionally run into on the U-Bahn who is unnaturally obsessed with me and ignores my continual insistences that I am not interested, will call the police if he keeps harassing me, and want him to fuck off, I was reminded of this little gem of a film that I first saw years ago on atomfilms (which is now atom.com).
The filmmaker's description: "A strange albino stalker follows the object of his affection on her daily trip to the market. Can he stop mumbling terms of endearment long enough to come to grips with the cold, hard truth?"
It's so funny and well done, and helped me calm down, laugh, and feel a bit better after my own little brush with insanity. So I thought I'd share:
Anna is Being Stalked

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Love Sucks | Psycho Chicks & Total Dicks

I'm Not Here to Make Friends

Oh reality television. Hahaha.

t-shirt slogans

I've seen some hilarious ones this summer in Brooklyn:
"Don't hate me because you ain't me" (stretched over several layers of fat)
"SATISFIED"
"My favorite subject is texting"
and perhaps the most strange/confusing,
"Oops! My puppy ate your #"
sassy.

animals falling over

Garfield Minus Garfield

I lol'd.